Lions Ineptitude Part 3 of 3

Editor's Note: The Lions didn't actually win the Super Bowl, they were celebrating winning the right to HOST it.

We put this dog to rest with the final installment of "Lions Ineptitude." I was a little torn as to where to go with this part, but I think the most illuminating endeavor would be to compare them to other franchises with a record of futility so we can properly put the Lions in perspective.

First let's look at other NFL teams. As I said in my previous entry, the Lions famously have won one playoff game since 1957. Does anyone come close to that?

Surprisingly, one team does: The Arizona(or Phoenix or St. Louis or Chicago) Cardinals: They, like the Lions, won NFL championships before it became The Super Bowl (in 1925 and 1947), and they, like the Lions, have won one playoff game since (in 1988). Lions fans can breathe a sigh of relief, because the Cardinals are right there with the Lions in regards to futility. Ironically enough, they have also been owned by the same family for a long time, in this case since FDR's first term. Who else is in the "class" of the Lions and Cardinals? Let's take a brief look at some of the other "contenders."

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: considered a bumbling franchise for their 0-14 season (worst in NFL history), they've actually won a Super Bowl and 6 playoff games in their short existence, which is 4 more than the Cardinals, and only one less than the Lions, who had a 50 year head start.

New Orleans A'ints: One playoff victory since the 50's, just like the Lions. You can make a strong argument that they are just as bad as the Lions and Cardinals, but since they were an expansion team and started their "streak" a decade later, I'm not convinced they are in the same class.

Buffalo Bills: Ah, the Bills. They make this list only because of their amazing 4 year Super Bowl losing streak in the early 90's. While grueling for their fans, I have trouble indicting a franchise that assembled the talent necessary to win the AFC 4 years in a row.

New York Jets: Mostly horrible recently, however, the memories of Broadway Joe (before his little Suzy Kolber moment) have to keep them out of "elite loser" status.

Cleveland Browns: We have a winner. The Cleveland Browns are the Detroit Lions doppleganger. Amazingly, the Cleveland Browns have won 8 championships in their history, which is more than the 49ers. They actually met the Lions in the 1950's 4 times in the championship game. If you can find someone who has made no new long-term memories since 1957, he'll think that the Lions and the Browns are the two best teams in the NFL. The Browns have since won more playoff games than the Lions, but they've also lost three years in a row to John Elway, been moved, reborn as an expansion team, and suffered a series of unfortunate ,events.

So, there you have it, Lions fans. You have won only one playoff game since 1957, yet there are plenty of teams who suffered in comparable ways. The Lions haven't lost 4 Super Bowls in a row, they haven't been moved, they haven't been crushed year in and year out by John Elway, they haven't gone 0-14 in a season (although they have gone 0-11 and 2-14), and they don't have a degrading yet accurate nickname such as the "A'ints." So we are left with the cliched question: was it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Was it better to be stumbling around in mediocrity while the Browns and Bills were winning more games but getting their hearts crushed in January? Would you rather have made it to the Super Bowl in 1986, but had a Bill Buckner moment?

I cannot speak for all Lions fans, but I can say this: as sports fans, we love to talk. We love to talk trash, we love to complain about our team: there's a reason "sports talk radio" is a multi-million dollar business. And lately, the Lions have given no one anything to talk about, except about how Matt Millen should be fired. The Lions have won 21 games since 9/11. The Lions have lost 62 games since then. I challenge you, Red Sox, Cubs, Browns or Bills fans: would you trade any 5 year stretch for that? Would you want to get excited for a football season, be removed from playoff contention by Thanksgiving, and start making a mock draft while Christmas shopping? I hardly think so.

We have a lot of pride in Detroit, and I think we can all take pride in that we have suffered more in the last 5 years, hell, 39 years than any other NFL city, and we are still here today. We still anxiously await the draft months in advance. We still look at the schedule every spring and try to predict which games we are going to win. And we still laugh at that one reporter who picks this season as the one in which the Lions break out and win the division. (Thanks, Peter King!) Let's just watch the Lions with a bit of detachment, and not expect a Super Bowl run any time soon. Remember, in the year 2006, the Detroit Pistons, the Detroit Red Wings, and the Detroit Tigers all have had the best records in their respective sports. Let's not get too greedy. Or more accurately, let's not be insane.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3)

1. Indianapolis
Even when Peyton isn't on, he can still win games. That was a huge win on Sunday.

2. Seattle
I certainly didn't think they would manhandle the Giants the way they did. We'll see what they can do without Alexander for an extended amount of time.

3. Cincinnati
Chad Johnson who? The offense is still racking up yards and their most talented player hasn't done much. Too bad guys like Odell Thurman are doing all that they can to ruin this team.

4. Chicago
That was a hard earned victory in Minnesota this past weekend. Muhsin Muhammad is really starting to gel with Rex Grossman.

5. San Diego
It should be a battle of defense in Baltimore this weekend. We'll see if this team passes its first test of the year.

6. New Orleans
This may be a bit too high, but who would have thought this team would be 3-0? I can't help but root for this team.

7. Jacksonville
They played the Colts tough, but they need to beat them to be considered a legit threat.

8. Philadelphia
The offense is clicking beyond expectations. Donovan McNabb is already having a MVP type year.

9. Baltimore
They definitely took the Browns too lightly. However, they found a way to win; a sign of a good team.

10. Minnesota
They play smart football and that will continue them to win games.

11. Atlanta
As much as I detest this team, I would have hated to be in their shoes on Monday night.

12. Denver
Well they haven't looked great, but they're 2-1 and that's all that counts.

13. New England
They look flat, but don't count this team out just yet.

14. Dallas
I still think this team will win a lot of games this season.

15. St. Louis
I can't believe this offense isn't scoring more points yet. Once they do, look out.

16. Carolina
Steve Smith=best receiver in football.

17. New York Jets
They play some solid football. Imagine if this team had the Giants' talent.

18. Pittsburgh
I can almost guarantee this team won't be this low for very long.

19. Buffalo
They're still playing tough and McGahee is running well. They're very capable of winning 8 games this season.

20. New York Giants
From a miracle victory to one of the worst performances of the season. Jeremy Shockey needs to shut up and play.

21. Arizona
Will Matt Leinart be as good as I think he will? Maybe not right away, but by the end of the year I expect big things.

22. Kansas City
I think things will get started this week. They have to, right?

23. Washington
Well, they beat Houston. That's a start.

24. San Francisco
Losing two of your best players on one play, ouch. We'll see how they bounce back.

25. Green Bay
Brett looks like Brett when he has protection.

26. Miami
This team is pretty lousy. I don't see them making the playoffs.

27. Cleveland
That was a very inspired performance on Sunday, but they have to pull those games out.

28. Detroit
That defense is starting to show it's true colors. The offense looked much better, but that was against the Packers.

29. Houston
Mario Williams was most definitely the short-term solution.

30. Tampa Bay
This teams miserable season just got worse. I shouldn't sell a MAC quarterback short, but they just aren't playing well.

31. Tennessee
That was a little better, but still pretty awful.

32. Oakland
With the way things have been going, week 3 will probably be this teams best performance.

Lions Ineptitude Part 2 of 3

In this second part of a 3 part series, I will examine the coaches' role in the Lions dismal record.

"I just believe that I have the ability to make these guys really go. I believe I know how to do that and I failed this week. I failed in the preparation. I'll take the bullet -- right in the head." -Rod Marinell, after the Lions recent blowout loss to the Chicago Bears

Part of that quote was correct--the rather graphic description of where exactly the blame lied. From everything we have heard Marinelli is a great and honorable man, with service in Vietnam and glowing endorsements from everyone who has played for him, including this from Simeon Rice:

"When talking about Rod Marinelli, you are talking about a man, a myth and a legend. He evokes thoughts of those who have come before us. In the game of coaching, there’s nothing like him...He changes coaching to an art form.

But his belief that he has the ability to "make these guys really go?" That is dubious at best.

Maybe it was all his fault. Maybe he didn't have the players prepared, maybe he was outcoached. But it is much more likely that Marinelli will join the ranks of Bobby Ross, Marty Mornhinweg, and Gary Moeller as tough taskmasters who crumble under the pressures of such an underachieving team. They often come to the Lions believing they can make a difference, and if they just work hard enough and demand enough, they will be able to discipline the Lions. All have been proven wrong.

Head coaches in the NFL can generally be placed in two broad categories: tough disciplinarians and "players' coaches." Let's examine them separately, and see how they hold up steering the Detroit Lions Football Club:

Disciplinarians:

Exhibit A in this category is the General Robert Ross. An old-school Army veteran, he seemed poised to inject some discipline into some underperforming Lions teams when hired in 1997. He had decent success with the San Diego Chargers, leading them to the Super Bowl in 1995, and with first-ballot Hall of Famer Barry Sanders on the roster and an electrifying offense, he was sure to turn things around, right? Not quite. He had the standard 9-7 Lions season (including the obligatory first round playoff loss) before stumbling to 5-11 and 8-8 seasons (one of the few teams to ever make the playoffs at 8-8, who quickly and predictably dug themselves in a hole, behind 27-0 at halftime). In the 2000 season, the proud General, who had put up with so much in his life, who had been disciplined and determined, committed to every task he had ever taken, finally broke. After nine games, he had enough and resigned. The Detroit News ran an article appropriately titled: Loss breaks Ross. But it was not any specific loss that broke Ross, it was years of holding the team and the organization to a certain standard, and repeatedly seeing the team and the locker room crumble. He could threaten to give "a bus ticket out of town" to as many of the players as he wanted to and it still made no difference. To quote Benjamin Franklin, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." And Bobby Ross is a sane man.

Players' Coaches

Perhaps Lions coaches who do not insist upon holding their players to such a high standard, which has been impossible for the organization to meet, have a better chance at success? Perhaps just letting the player's play and respecting them will lead to better results? According to that theory, popular and easy-going Steve Mariucci, he of the .583 winning percentage and 4 playoff berths in six years with the 49ers, would have been an excellent fit for the Lions. He did not demand too much of his players, held most practices without pads to keep them healthy, and essentially stepped back and let them do their job. What were the results? 15 wins, 29 losses, no playoff berths, and zero player development. He actually only lost 28 games, but was widely credited with "losing the locker room" so I added one more to the ledger. Not to mention that the players drafted in the first round for his three years with the team qualify as nothing short of a unmitigated disaster:

Joey Harrington('02): Traded for a late draft pick
Charles Rogers('03): Unconditionally waived, no compensation
Kevin Jones('04): Showed promise early, hasn't rushed for 100 years in nearly 2 years
Roy Williams('04): Still has potential, but has not developed yet into a star
Mike Williams('05): Has not contributed on the field, been fined numerous times

We could talk for hours about the Lions drafting bungles, blunders, and bloopers, but let's stick to the coaches.

So what can we discern from this mess of a franchise? Instead of directly answering that question, I will offer advice to the following parties:

Prospective Head Coaches: Do not come to the Lions. I do not care how much money they offer, or how much Ford stock options they give you, just STAY AWAY. Join another team. Coach a high-school football team. Play Sudoku. It doesn't matter. Just remember, the title of "Lions Head Coach" is similar to "Supreme Court Justice:" it will be your last job.

Detroit Lions Management (Fords): Clearly, the problems with the Lions are not because of the head coach. As such, I recommend hiring your most idealistic young intern, paying him the minimum wage, and let him coach the team until the media and the losses break him down. Then replace him with another intern. This will not lead to any more victories, but at least you'll save some money that maybe you can invest in designing a car people actually want to buy?

Lions Fans: Sociologists often talk of a "vicious cycle" that makes life difficult for addicts and poor people. Besides the fact that the Lions suck money out of their fans, and lead them to the bottle, there is another vicious cycle at work here: Lions struggle with "soft" head coach. Head coach is fired, and disciplinarian is brought in. Fans get excited. Disciplinarian is to hard on the players, and a nicer, more popular coach is needed to get the most out of the players. Cycle continues. Not much I can tell you guys, although I heard the Tigers were playing well.

Detroit Media: Do your job. In this case, your job is to subtletly jab at every Lions coach until he gradually becomes a broken-down husk of a man, at which point he will be fired in shame or resign, and you can have a new target brought in. It's nice to part of something bigger than yourself, isn't it? And we can all agree, the Lions' collossal failures are bigger than any one man.

Young African-American Men: I don't really have anything specific, but it seems like everyone else has advice for them, so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon. Remember that Seinfeld episode where George gets a job at Kruger's, and is excited that the company is run horribly, so he will be able to "go hog-wild at a place like that!" In that vein, if you play football, sign with the Lions. You can go hog-wild.

Two more fun facts about the Lions: Wayne Fontes has the most wins of any Lions Coach. His record is 67-71.

Joe Schmidt was a Hall of Fame player and probably the best head coach the team has ever had. He had the following to say after he resigned from the Lions: "I expect everyone to be like me. I guess that's a mistake," and my personal favorite: "coaching isn't fun anymore." Can I see a raise of hands from anyone who was surprised that he would make that remark after 6 years coaching the Lions?

NFL Power Rankings

That's right, folks, I'm back. I started doing my power rankings in Mr. Schmidt's history class in Junior year of high school and now they are going to be featured exclusively on The Tool Box. Enjoy.

1. Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is still a statistical machine, but will one of the running backs step up to the plate?

2. Jacksonville
The Jags deserve this spot, but we'll see what they're really made of when they take on Indy.

3. Chicago
The defense looks impressive, but not as impressive as Rex Grossman's offensive line. He's had all day.

4. Atlanta
The comparison to the old school Nebraska Cornhuskers isn't too far off. However, one of the receivers is going to have to step it up in order for this team to go anywhere.

5. Cincinnati
The defense still has some holes, but that offense seems like it may be even more unstoppable at years end. Rudi Johnson is a stud.

6. San Diego
Their defense looks vicious, but let's face it, they've played the Titans and the Raiders.

7. Seattle
They still look a little shaky offensively. They'll be put to the test when Eli Manning and company come to town.

8. Baltimore
Steve McNair is a great leader, but the offense needs to find the end zone more often to be considered a Super Bowl contender.

9. New England
As long as they have Tom Brady, this team is dangerous. Plus, the running game seems to be much improved.

10. Pittsburgh
Big Ben probably shouldn't have played, but there's no doubt that the team needs him.

11. Minnesota
It's only been 2 weeks, but they are in much better hands now than they were with Mike Tice.

12. New York Giants
This offense seems like it could be putting up around 30 points every single game.

13. Philadelphia
I think most people forgot how good Donovan McNabb really is.

14. Dallas
I still think this team has a lot of potential with Drew Bledsoe as their quarterback.

15. Denver
Turning on Jake may be a bad decision. He doesn't seem to handle himself well under that kind of pressure.

16. New Orleans
What a great story so far. I'm praying for them to upset the Falcons on Monday Night. This team is exciting.

17. Carolina
I know they're 0-2, but they are still a good team. Just wait until Steve Smith is back.

18. Buffalo
Dick Jauron has his team playing extremely hard. They may not be exciting, but the effort is admirable.

19. St. Louis
The offense needs to score more ASAP. I would expect Marc Bulger to start heating up soon.

20. Arizona
Their offense is great with the exception of the offensive line. They stink.

21. San Francisco
This team is full of overachievers. They're a fun team to watch.

22. New York Jets
It's great to see Chad Pennington back healthy. When he's on, he can be one of the best.

23. Kansas City
I expected a lot more out of this team so far. Larry Johnson can't do it alone.

24. Washington
I think it is safe to say this team needs Clinton Portis.

25. Miami
Super Bowl? I think not. But I do look for them to improve soon.

26. Detroit
That inspired performance in week 1 led to some false hope in week 2. The offense should get a chance to click against the Packers.

27. Tampa Bay
From the playoffs to the toilet. This team is better than that.

28. Green Bay
Brett still has some fight left in him, but when will it be Rogers turn?

29. Cleveland
Mr. Winslow, shut your mouth until you actually prove something on the field.

30. Houston
David Carr looks solid, but boy do they wish they had Reggie Bush.

31. Tennessee
Vince Young isn't the answer. I still say he amounts to nothing.

32. Oakland
This team has put together two of the worst performances in recent history. Truly awful. And that's coming from a Lions fan.

Lions Ineptitude Part 1 of 3

The more things change, the more things stay the same. It is a cliche, but it could not be more fitting to describe the historically inept Detroit Lions. In a league in which parity amongst teams evokes optimism from all 32 teams, in a city in which football is ravenously devoured and loyalty runs as deep as Lake Superior, and with stable ownership willing to spend enough money to win, the Lions have fallen woefully short. Since 1964, the Lions have won exactly one playoff game (1991) and have had 15 head coaches. To put that in perspective, the Pittsburgh Steelers have had 3 head coaches and have won 26 playoff games. While the Steelers are an exceptionally well-run team with incredible stability at the coaching position, there is no reason the Lions cannot match their success. Both are owned by longtime NFL patriarchs (Dan Rooney, and William Clay Ford, respectively), both have brand new stadiums and both are Midwestern industrial towns with a working-class fan base who merely expects their team to play hard and to have a fighting chance.
"One playoff win in 49 years" says a lot, but it does not completely portray the personal anguish and suffering a Lions fan endures. Sure, it is just a sport, but in the city of Detroit it is much more than that. It is a part of their identity, an inextricable part of who they are. They may make fun of the Lions all the time, but below the insults is an intense love for the team, and when there is even the slightest glimmer of hope, the city of Detroit and the surrounding suburbs come alive and rabidly follow the fortunes of their beloved Lions. Detroit has been dubbed "Hockeytown" by some, but I find this to be a misleading title: Detroit bleeds honolulu blue and silver. In the mid-90's, when thirty-five year old men had never been alive for a Lions Championship, and had only seen that one playoff victory, the 80,000-seat Pontiac Silverdome, the biggest stadium in the NFL at the time, still sold out on a regular basis. To contrast this, in the 80's, Mike Illitch had to give away cars to sell seats at Joe Louis Arena to watch the "Dead Wings."
And yet, in spite of all this failure, all this heartbreak, there is always hope with every new head coach. Invariably, a press conference is called, and the new man steps up to the podium with a bright smile and some compelling answers as to how to fix the Lions. And just as often, the constant pressure of futility, a skeptical media, and an organization that is content to be mediocre breaks down that optimistic man, and sends him out of the NFL. Only one man has ever left the Lions and lived to coach another team, and that man, Dick Jauron (current coach of the Buffalo Bills) only was an interim coach of a few games. This is no coincidence: Lions head coaches leave the organization as changed men, with a damaged psyche that some might compare to a mild form of PTSD. Bad personnel moves, poor drafting, unrealistically high expectations, loss of control of the locker room, tragic events, and untimely injuries have all played a part in dooming Lions Head Coaches of the past and continues to this day. In Part 2, I will examine exactly what brought this diverse group of proud men to their knees, and what prevented them from continuing on as a head coach. In part 3, I will compare the Lions to other lovable losers, such as the Cleveland Browns, the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox.