Mike's Friday Rant

Today's rant is about sex. More specifically, about me not having it. How do I know that it's been a long time since I've had it?

I have to check the expiration dates on my condoms.

Oh, you didn't know that condoms have expiration dates? Well, anyone with any semblance of a sex life probably doesn't even think to check that sort of thing, but as someone who still has unopened condoms that were passed out to me on the Diag my sophomore year of college, I can tell you that they actually do eventually expire. Who buys a piece of rubber and doesn't use it before it is past its prime? Yep, that's me. And it's not even like it's a carton of milk, which expires in a couple of weeks. No, condoms have only slightly less staying power than a Twinkie.
What do you think that worker is thinking when he stamps a label on the package that says "expires in 2011?" I know exactly what he's thinking: he's thinking "geez, I really feel sorry for the guy that buys this and actually might still have the condom five years from now. Just think, every time he moves to a new place or cleans his room, he sees the condom sitting there, and still is naive enough to keep it in his possession, believing someday it will get used. But it never does. What a pathetic loser he must be."