WrestleMania Diary

8:56 am - Woke up and for once remembered the time change. All it meant to me is that I was one hour closer to WrestleMania.

10:30 am - Breakfunch time. I went with a heavy carb breakfunch, like the true champion that I am.

12:55 pm - While I worked out, I kept pretending I was Shawn Michaels preparing for his iron man match at WrestleMania XII. If you haven't picked up on this yet, I am Peter Pan. I refuse to grow up.

1:45 pm - I showered and still was unable to get the "GO" off of my chest. Thanks Chris for not having any washable markers.

1:58 pm - I watched the Hall of Fame special from the previous night. I once again shed a tear when they inducted Eddie Guerrero into the Hall.

2:45 pm - I couldn't help myself, so I watched two Eddie matches. Both received a 4 or better.

3:55 pm - I called Buffalo Wild Wings to double check that they were ordering the show. The conversation went like this:
Brandon: "Are you getting wrestling tonight?"
Hostess: "Yes."
Brandon: "Thanks, bye."

5:58 pm - Dave, Chris, Michelle, and I arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings one hour and two minutes early. I was dead set on sitting in the family section, but I got talked into sitting in the bar by a waitress that recognized me. My friends had always called me a loser, but this made it official.

6:22 pm - Justin decided that Woody Woodriffe was quite possibly the greatest name on the planet. I tend to agree.

6:25 pm - We got our food and the first non-wrestling thought popped into my head. I said to myself, "Self, please don't get diarrhea. B-Dubs only has one toilet and it's usually nasty."

6:43 pm - The crew got into a discussion about country music. Chris made fun of his favorite song (the Tim McGraw "sky diving, mountain climbing" one) and said that if he was going to die, he wouldn't be sky diving, he'd be f***ing a prostitute.

7:00 pm - The moment we had all been waiting for has finally arrived. We means me.

7:14 pm - The first glass of the night is broken.

7:18 pm - First match of the night: Kane + Big Show vs. Chris Masters + Carlito. Kane + Big Show win in a pretty crappy match. At least it was short. Unofficial Rating: 1 (out of 5).

7:22 pm - Money In The Bank Ladder Match is next baby. Dave is completely behind Shelton, whereas I am all about RVD.

7:40 pm - RVD wins the match after knocking Matt Hardy and Shelton Benjamin off the ladders and outside the ring. Very good match. Unofficial Rating: 3.75 (out of 5)

7:48 pm - Michelle informs Joe that "the worm guy" bit the thing off of Jillian Hall's face. I was very proud of my beautiful girlfriend. JBL vs. Benoit is next. There is a terrible sign that says "Beef Jerky" next to a picture of beef jerky (duh) and "Beefy Jerk" next to a picture of JBL.

7:57 pm - Justin looked up how to say "cake" in Spanish on his Sidekick. Thank goodness he has that thing. What would we ever do without it?

8:01 pm - JBL wins the US title, making me feel like an idiot for wearing my Benoit shirt. Actually, wearing a wrestling shirt automatically makes me an idiot. It also implies that my wiener is smaller than average. Unofficial Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

8:08 pm - Edge vs. Foley is next. Blood is expected.

8:14 pm - I inform the table that Mick Foley is on the Brandon Tessoff diet. If you are interested, all you have to do is eat and not work out.

8:17 pm - The Soccer Moms are brought up. They are a fantastic improv group that changed my life.

8:25 pm - Edge defeats Foley by spearing him through a flaming table. Now that's a WrestleMania moment.

8:30 pm - My favorite football announcer, Joe Theisman is shown at WrestleMania. Talk about your BIG TIME celebs. That's UFC quality.

8:33 pm - Booker T + Sharmell vs. Boogeyman is the next match. This diary is horrible.

8:40 pm - Boogeyman wins. At least it was short, but Boogeyman is awful in the ring. Unofficial Rating: .25 (out of 5)

8:44 pm - I'm actually looking forward to a women's match. Trish and Mickie can both do some decent stuff.

8:48 pm - The waitress asks Chris if he wants another beer. Chris replies with "OK" as if he wasn't going to order any more. She really had to pull his leg.

8:51 pm - Much to the crowds liking, Mickie James is the new Women's Champion. The match was good, minus the botched ending. Unofficial Rating: 2.75 (out of 5).

9:03 pm - Mark Henry vs. Undertaker is next. Oh god.

9:14 pm - Undertaker is 14-0. Awesome. Great. Super. Joe actually thought Mark Henry would win since they were "hyping the winning streak". I don't think so Joe. Unofficial Rating: .5 (out of 5). However, there was a clever Undertaker sign, where you could pull his eyes up. I thought it was neat.

9:25 pm - HBK/Vince is next. I'm guessing HBK will do something neat tonight.

9:40 pm - After HBK's insane dive off the ladder, they question of he is alive. JR responds with "I saw them blue eyes". Brilliant.

9:43 pm - Shawn Michaels is victorious. He even pulled out the crotch chops. Classy move by a classy man. Unofficial Rating: 3.25 (out of 5).

9:44 pm - Vince is shown being stretchered out. He becomes the anti-Mike Utley by flicking the crowd off, as opposed to giving the thumbs up.

9:46 pm - WrestleMania 23 is announced and it's going to be at Ford Field. I already knew this, thanks to Wikipedia. The B-Dubs crowd goes wild.

9:51 pm - The Smackdown title match is next. P.O.D. is terrible. Rey Mysterio pays tribute to the Guerrero family by dressing like the Gobbledy Gooker.

9:59 pm - Joe becomes a total mark by yelling "He was tapping!"

10:05 pm - In what should have been the moment of the night, Rey wins the title. Instead, they gave him under ten minutes, denying it of classic status. What a shame. Unofficial Rating: 4 (out of 5).

10:13 pm - The Playboy pillow fight is next. This match proves that wrestling fans are ignorant fools. They actually think one may get naked. They won't.

10:17 pm - Torrie Wilson wins. No nudity is shown. I poop four times a day.

10:24 pm - HHH comes out to the worst entrance ever. Joe wonders if he skinned Snuffalupagus (sp?) and decided to wear it. John Cena's entrance is just as bad. The tommy gun will really get the crowd to like him more.

10:29 pm - The match that has no business being last but is, is underway. The crowd hates Cena as much as I hate bananas. I make Chris stand at least 10 feet away from me when he eats one.

10:51 pm - After a match that had no right to be as long as it was, Cena forces HHH to tap out. The crowd still hates Cena. Unofficial Rating: 2.25 (out of 5). This is as bad as anything I have ever written. Hopefully you quit a long time ago. I am not funny and am a horrible human being. I apologize profusely for attempting to entertain you, but coming up way short. I'm a bad friend/brother/son/boyfriend/human being.

This diary was dedicated to Dave. Good luck on the surgery.

Thanks to everyone for coming with me, hopefully you enjoyed it at least 1.24% as much as I did. If not, then I'm glad I wasted 5 hours of your life.